Phone sex can be extremely unnerving, especially if it’s your first time. But if you allow your anxiety to prevent you from getting into phone sex, you might miss out on what could’ve been a very satisfying and pleasurable sexual experience.
According to Dr. Susan Block, Ph.D., a sex therapist, phone sex enables you and your partner to explore different fantasies that you might feel nervous about doing in person. Also, in phone sex, you don’t have to be constantly worrying about how you look physically—a huge factor that affects your sexual experience. As long as you can get your creative juices flowing and open up your imagination, you can have a pleasant phone sex experience.
Similar to actual sex, there’s no wrong way to have phone sex, so that should take a burden off your shoulders. However, one thing’s for sure: you won’t be able to have a good time if you’re anxious.
Why Do We Experience Phone Sex Anxiety?
It happens to most of us. Trust me, you’re not alone in this struggle. If you can’t help but feel nervous about having phone sex, perhaps it’s time to face your fears head-on. Ask yourself, “Why am I feeling nervous?” Take the time to reflect and figure out what is it exactly about phone sex that gives you anxiety. Understanding where your anxiety is coming will make it relatively easier for you to address it.
Here are some common reasons why you’re feeling anxious about trying out phone sex:
1. This is your first time trying phone sex and you’re not sure how it works.
If this is indeed your first time, and you've used your first phone sex number, there’s nothing wrong with admitting to it. Talk to your partner and let them know that this is your first time and you’re not sure how it works. If they have already experienced phone sex before, allow them to take the lead. If you and your partner are both first-timers, you can have fun and learn together at the same time.
2. You’re worried that you might not perform well and end up embarrassing yourself.
Similar to actual sex, sexual performance anxiety exists in phone sex too. Most people tend to overthink how they’ll perform, and it’s fairly common to feel that way. Don’t beat yourself up over it. Who knows? If you try it, you might end up surprised by how well you’ve done.
3. You’re not comfortable with it or you’re not yet ready to do it.
You should never, ever do something you’re not comfortable with or not yet ready to do so. Your partner should never pressure you into doing something you don’t want to do. In the same way, you shouldn’t force your partner into doing something they aren’t comfortable doing.
9 Tips To Keep You Cool And Overcome Phone Sex Anxiety
To help ensure that you have fun, here’s how you can calm your nerves so you can slay that phone sex session effortlessly.
1. Pleasure yourself.
Masturbating is a great way to know what pleases you. There’s no way you can enjoy phone sex, or even actual sex for that matter, if you don’t know what satisfies you.
This applies especially during phone sex. When you pleasure yourself, the sexy talk and moaning come naturally. And when you’re feeling sexually aroused and pleased, it will become relatively easy for you to engage in dirty talk, which is essential in phone sex.
2. Openly communicate your sexual fantasies.
Once you’re aware of what feels good to you, it’s time to let your partner know about it. Prior to having phone sex, take some time to have a conversation with your partner to address each other’s sexual desires. Take this opportunity to be transparent to your partner regarding your sexual desires.
Talking about it over the phone should be a lot easier for you to do compared to talking about it face-to-face, right? After all, this is a conversation that you should be having sooner or later, especially if you are in a committed relationship with your partner.
3. Acknowledge your partner’s sexual fantasies.
In the same way that your partner acknowledges your sexual needs, it’s only right that you return the favor. Phone sex is only successful when both you and your partner’s sexual desires are fulfilled.
After all, phone sex is a great way to explore sexual fantasies that you don’t have the guts to do in actual sex. Whether that’s roleplay, BDSM, or any other fetish, all it takes is creativity and imagination to carry it out over the phone.
4. Do something relaxing beforehand.
Are there any particular activities that put your mind at ease? Perhaps it’s taking a long, warm bath or watching a good movie. Whatever it is, it would be extremely helpful to do something relaxing prior to a phone sex session as it will help you get your mind off of the nervousness you’re feeling.
And remember, constantly overthinking about it before it even happens achieves nothing. It only makes you feel more nervous. Sounds counterproductive, right?
5. Only do it when you’re ready.
It goes without saying that you shouldn’t do anything unless you’re 100% willing and ready to do so. But how exactly do you know when you’re ready? You would know that you’re ready when you want to do it because you actually want to, not because you want to please your partner.
The only good reason you should engage in phone sex is to try it out for yourself and explore sexual fantasies, not because you simply want to fulfill your partner’s wishes. You shouldn’t do any sexual act that would compromise your body for the sake of someone else, no matter what it is.
6. Take it slow.
Similar to actual sex, phone sex requires immersive foreplay to make it work. You don’t want to call your partner and tell them right off the bat that you’re touching yourself, don’t you? Start slow.
Perhaps start by talking about how their day was and tell them how you would like to make them feel good after a long, tiring day. Then you can steer the conversation into a more sensual language to make them sexually aroused.
And remember, it takes two to tango. One person shouldn’t be doing all the work that should be done by two people. If only one of you is doing all the talking, it is likely that it won’t work.
7. Do what naturally feels right to you.
While you can adopt an alternate phone sex personality, it’s not something that you are required to do. The most important thing is to stick to your own thing. Think of phone sex as actual sex. What feels natural to you?
For instance, if you usually take on a more dominant role, you can take the lead and perhaps tell your partner to take off their pants. If you’re submissive, it’s typically the other way around. Perhaps you’re a romantic? If you are, then you can steer the conversation toward a more caressing language.
And if you’re the type of person who’s totally down for talking dirty, then, by all means, do it—but you don’t have to drop a ton of explicit words if that’s not your thing. As the old saying goes, just be yourself.
8. Be present at the moment.
“Am I doing something wrong?”
“What if I say something wrong?”
“Am I getting him/her excited or am I just embarrassing myself?”
These are the thoughts that may linger in an anxious mind during phone sex. It’s in our nature as humans to be excessively conscious of ourselves.
Stop thinking about what you could be doing wrong. Chances are, everything is going smooth and your anxious mind is just playing tricks on you. So, stop overthinking and just be present at the moment. I know it’s easier said than done, but overthinking will only sabotage what could’ve been an amazing experience for you and your partner.
10. Make sure the ball keeps rolling.
It’s true what most people say that getting started is the hardest part. The good thing is that once you get over the beginning, everything starts to flow naturally.
Making sure that the ball keeps rolling means that you and your partner should work together to avoid awkward silences. And you can do that by being responsive and coming up with sexy, interesting things to talk about. If possible, try to come up with things to talk about beforehand. Obviously, it should be topics that will trigger sexual excitement.
The last thing you want to happen during phone sex is downtime. The downtime will make things awkward for both of you, thus resulting in an unpleasant experience—one that you wouldn’t dare try to get into ever again.
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