Love is a wonderful thing that comes in the form of friendship, not only romance and sex. Deeply caring for someone can be based on a wonderful friendship that is not amorous. Platonic love, and the platonic relationships founded on it, are not new. It was originally conceived of in the time of Socrates and Plato but is still very much relevant today.
What Is a Platonic Relationship?
The seed for the concept of platonic relationships started with Diotima of Mantinea (400s BCE), a Greek priestess, philosopher, and teacher of Socrates. Socrates handed down his knowledge to Plato, who highlighted the kinds of love outlined by Diotima in a famous symposium.
Her vision of love is seen as a ladder with seven rungs that we are all pushed to climb in our search for enlightenment, immortality, and eternal beauty. The creation of children and beautiful things are our expressions of this love and the results of our desire to transcend the levels of love.
Plato's name has been used to distinguish between erotic love that leads to the creation of children and platonic love that leads to the creation of beautiful things such as ideas, art, institutions, etc. At its simplest, a platonic relationship is founded on non-erotic love.
Platonic love is a connection created with someone to make the world a more beautiful place, not to enjoy the human body's pleasure. In our modern world, we understand the core of the platonic love concept to exclude sexual attraction from a friendship.
By understanding the origins of the concept, we can see how platonic friendships are a wonderful way to make the world a more beautiful place for each other, those around us.
A true platonic relationship is a deeply caring friendship that allows each person to be their best selves and can create many wonderful things. It's a two-way street where each person invests time and energy to create an intimate and intricate connection.
It's free from sexual desire and exists based on shared interests that bring light, life, and happiness into each other's worlds.
What Is Not a Platonic Relationship?
Essentially, any relationship where either one or both people have a sexual attraction to each other is not a platonic relationship. Humans are a little more complicated than this simple statement, though, so there are different factors to consider.
A relationship between two people may well have started due to a sexual spark that never led to actual sexual play. This relationship could become deep, enduring platonic care for one another even though it started with an erotic spark. Even a relationship such as a marriage can mature over time to become platonic.
This means genuine, deep affection for each other still exists, but without any erotic stirrings between one another. Even marriage could be considered a platonic relationship once sex is no longer of interest between spouses, but they still love and care for each other deeply.
In both of these examples, the relationship was not platonic initially, but over time this changed. A relationship that becomes platonic has a deep and genuine desire to see someone in your life be their best self and live their best life without any desire to have sex with them.
Ultimately, if there is an enduring desire to have sexual intercourse with either or both people, the relationship is not platonic.
Relationships Sometimes Mistaken for Platonic Ones
The relationships that are sometimes confused with platonic friendships are friends with benefits and unrequited love. Unrequited love can be easily mistaken for a platonic relationship due to one person hiding their true feelings. Still, suppression of sexual interest is not the same as genuinely not desiring the other person's body.
There should not be a sexual attraction from either friend in true platonic relationships. If one person is harboring sexual attraction for their friend in secret, it's something that should be spoken about in a careful, caring conversation as the relationship is not an honest one. An example of this is the toxic concept of being "friend-zoned".
This idea essentially states that women, in particular, owe men sexual pleasure in return for any kindness or friend-like interactions. This is a poor understanding of unrequited love that has joined with a feeling of entitlement to sex.
There are some instances where women claim to have been "friend-zoned" by men but again, this is an example of unrequited love where the person who has sexual attraction to a friend holds a grudge against the person who is not sexually attracted in return.
This grudge-holding is based on the view that a platonic relationship is somehow inferior to a romantic or sexual one. It is unhealthy for everyone involved, and clear communication around true intentions and feelings would allow for much healthier relationships and genuine connections.
Friends with benefits can also not be considered platonic as this is mostly a sexual relationship. Being friends with benefits does not include the associated label and responsibilities of being an exclusive romantic relationship.
Because of that, there can be a level of disregard for each other's emotions and well-being, making this kind of relationship very different from the active emotional investment made in a true platonic relationship. The lack of emotional intimacy combined with sexual activity means it is not platonic.
Are Genuine Platonic Relationships Possible?
A platonic relationship can exist between any pair of friends regardless of sex and gender, but there has been considerable debate, particularly around the idea of the opposite sex and gender friendships being platonic.
Some of the confusion can be because people are often initially attracted to each other through a spark of physical attraction. We all love beautiful people and finding someone attractive is what encourages us to reach out and connect with another person.
This does not mean the relationship will always be based on sexual interest. It is also not the only reason we enjoy other people's company. It is a myth that people who could be mutually attracted to each other cannot have platonic friendships.
Platonic Relationships With the Opposite Sex
Every one of us is unique, and our interests extend across many different topics, regardless of our sex or gender. Since we can participate and take an interest in so many different kinds of sports, industries, and causes, it only makes sense that we will find people with whom we connect deeply on different topics.
The unfair bias in this is the assumption that heterosexual men and women, in particular, are not able to pursue genuine platonic relationships. This assumption is based on the idea that there will always be some sexual tension between two people who find each other interesting and vulnerable.
It completely removes the ability to use our free will, and that intimacy is not just about sex. We can find a deep and enduring connection with another person that is not founded on sex. We can choose to avoid pursuing any sexual feelings that may stir using clear communications and healthy boundaries.
Platonic Relationships With the Same-Sex
Men have wonderful platonic relationships, sometimes affectionately called bromances, and women have platonic girlfriends. This should not depend on or be affected by which gender someone is attracted to.
Maintaining a happy, healthy platonic relationship still relies on transparent communication and boundaries. In any healthy relationship, clear communication and boundaries will allow for open, positive dialogue and enduring friendships.
This is true for a platonic relationship between any sex and gender. Simply put, no matter how you identify, it is possible to find and nurture a beautiful platonic connection with the use of clear, honest communication and boundaries.
Is It Possible to Have Platonic Relationships and a Partner?
It's not only possible to have a platonic relationship and a life partner. It's important to have the freedom in a romantic relationship to have close relationships with friends too. Platonic friendships are not something a life partner or spouse should deny you.
Meaningful, genuine friendships are hard to find and are an integral part of mental health and happiness. It is very important to have open communication and trust with your spouse or partner as a rule, but especially when it comes to intimate relationships with others and clarifying that there is no sexual activity involved.
Due to the emotionally intimate nature of a platonic relationship, there is potential for jealousy to develop through a misunderstanding of the meaning and intention of such a close friendship. If there is not enough transparency or if a partner is a particularly jealous person, maintaining a platonic relationship could become complicated but not impossible.
By integrating a platonic friend into your life beyond the setting you met them, you can incorporate your romantic partner into your platonic friendship in a way that does not end either relationship. In fact, making sure your spouse or partner feels included for even deeper trust between all parties concerned.
If a person becomes a truly important part of your life and there are no secretly held sexual desires, introducing this platonic friend to your spouse, partner, and even your family is a natural progression in the relationship.
Again, clear communication about how you met, what you enjoy doing together, and how you view each other should keep all your relationships happy, healthy, and insecurity-free.
The Importance of Having Platonic Relationships
One of the most amazing feelings in life is that of being truly understood — feeling seen, validated, and accepted for all of who you truly are. That level of unconditional care and understanding is what a true platonic relationship has to offer.
Creating that level of connection with someone is not something that happens every day, so these friendships should be cherished. Maintaining healthy relationships is a crucial part of our lives, especially as adults.
Keeping friendships alive and thriving from bonds forged as children is wonderful but not always possible, so forming new connections and relationships as an adult is a vital part of maintaining a happy, fulfilling life. Movies and media have led people to believe that romantic relationships are the ultimate relationship, leading to complete fulfillment.
In reality, expecting your romantic partner or spouse to be your one and only companion places a strenuously high demand on both of you. This is because we are all multifaceted people with a range of different interests and needs.
This is part of what makes the world and our lives beautiful and interesting. Still, it also means that one person will not fulfill absolutely all aspects of another person's personality. For this reason, platonic relationships are a wonderful kind of friendship that can bring great happiness and can even create a healthier environment for the relationship with your spouse or partner.
If people in a sexually intimate relationship have true platonic friends, everyone is more satisfied within their lives. Feelings of contentment and great happiness are possible instead of feeling dissatisfied with each other for not meeting impossible expectations.
A Snapshot of a Healthy Platonic Relationship
The two of you met due to a mutual interest or friend. You have gotten to know each other over time and feel a wonderful connection. You think of each other as wonderful, even beautiful human beings but you are not sexually aroused.
There is no kissing, and any physical contact between you two would not lead anyone to believe that either of you wanted to become physically intimate with each other. You are not jealous of each other's spouse or partner and only want your friend's best in their family life.
You understand each other deeply and feel safe when sharing intimate details about yourself with them. You can speak to each other about your greatest fears as well as all the exciting, beautiful things going on in each of your lives.
Because there is no sexual desire or romanticism between you, your friendship is based on a very real understanding of who you are in all your quirks and glory. This has allowed you both to feel so seen and understood in your friendship that your whole life has been wonderfully brightened by the positive reinforcement received from this platonic friendship based on mutual respect.
You both understand that you are purely friends and that there is no desire for anything physical in the relationship.
Boundaries in Platonic Relationships
People do change over time, so the dynamics in any relationship can also change. Just as a marriage can go from a blissful union to a cold emptiness, a platonic relationship can experience a drastic shift into a carnal passion.
By understanding each other and setting non-negotiable boundaries for yourself as a person, all your relationships will benefit from a clear recognition of what is and is not OK with you. If you wish to keep a platonic relationship as only ever platonic, that expectation should be made crystal clear from the start.
If you are not looking for romance, again, that should be clearly stated. If you are drawn to a person because you see the potential for them to be more in your life than just a friend, this must be addressed at a fair time.
If these feelings are deep and enduring, they should be openly discussed so that you both can make a fully informed decision about what roles you wish to fulfill in each other's lives. If you decide to try and take a platonic friendship into eroticism, there is still a chance of recovery if this fails.
You both have the blueprints of a friendship laid down before any sexual activity, but what that sexual activity means to both of you should be clearly understood as it does mean you are no longer just platonic friends. If this is unacceptable and the fear of losing this precious friendship is too great, don't take that chance.
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